Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Cheating in thoughts. The replacement Lover in mind.

Happy dating and then this: Another man no longer comes to us from the head. Cheating is indeed taboo - but sometimes we dream of our spare-lover in mind and ask ourselves, "What if ..."

A happy, harmonious relationship, after all that is what we all crave, right? Security, confidence, reliability, a partner with whom it feels good and right. But when we finally found the man who fills us all our Harmony dreams - then we sometimes lack but something. What exactly, we usually do not even know. Until someone comes into our lives, there is in us: that tingling Flirt, we had almost forgotten. The feeling of being incredibly sexy and interesting. Admiration and like a bit of desire, a thick piece of cream cake for our ego up. The man who all the triggers in us is just not the man for life - we have already. He is the man for special tasks, the Stimulators, the man who makes sure that we (again) feel good.
Carsten is a man in Catherine's life. "You I've always wanted to know," he said at the time to her when the two met by chance two years ago at a reading. The 36 - year-old is press officer at a small publishing house, he freelance editor. "Our first conversation was a flirt. But at the same time it seemed to me as if I was meeting an old friend again. Everything felt safe and warm, "she says. Catherine was then married for three years, Carsten lived in divorce. And gave full throttle: The very next day he reported. Catherine agreed to a date. "I felt safe because I was tied up," she explains the step. Nevertheless, she was nervous at that time: "As a married woman will not you meet often with men. I decided to make a clear signal that I just want to flirt - and interesting conversation about literature. But I was wondering: What does he want from me? "Well, Carsten had interests that went beyond a flirt, like Katharina found on linguine with mussels and a little too much Lugana?. "Of course I realized that he finds me attractive," she says. "But I also had the feeling that he perceives something from me, that goes beyond the sex appeal. Myself, my personality"
Since that night they find themselves. Each week, always in secret. Because they can not help and do not want. From a cute flirt, says Katharina, a sense of deeper connection had grown. Of course, she often wonders: Is this love? And what has it to do with my marriage? "I enjoy well what Carsten brings to me, admiration and attention," she reasons. "He looks at me again and again, because he does not have me. Jan, my husband can not give me that. For this, we just know each other too well. Carsten, however, has not yet become accustomed to me. "
U.S. psychologists have found a word for Carstens place in Catherine's world: back-up mate. The in a safe place (in your head - no evidence, no trace) kept Replacement partner is used in case something goes wrong in the main system. The plan would remain. A relationship phenomenon, by the way, not as proven by statistics. But if we ask around we are Carsten and Catherine no longer the only ones who play a shimmering-easy game in the age of text messaging and e-mail - and that without having sex ...
Such a relationship is less passionate than a fling and moves playfully between the poles of friendship and eroticism, "says Munich psychoanalyst and couples therapist Wolfgang Schmidbauer. Because even if you feel attracted to each other, at least one denies both the way to bed, otherwise claims and jealousy would be difficult to control. Cheating in the classical sense never came into question for Catherine. As she remains adamant. Although she feels the eroticism between them. "Our enthusiasm for books is really just a guise to be able to see safely can. At least from my side. But even if it tingles, I pretend that I would not notice. Because what if I like to sleep with him? "It would make Catherine's life upside down, and she does not want. You want to stay in each case with her husband. Flirt yes, no exiting.